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Season 1

” Well, today we tried masturbating for money.” – Pilot

“Ah, gravity—thou art a heartless bitch.”– The Big Bran Hypothesis

“Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.” – Pilot

“I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.”– The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

” You did not “break up” with Joyce Kim. She defected to North Korea.” – Pilot

” Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.” – The Big Bran Hypothesis

“A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.”– The Nerdvana Annihilation

“Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.” – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

“I don’t know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.” – The Dumpling Paradox

“Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.” – Pilot

” I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won’t color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.”– The Big Bran Hypothesis

“Penny: I’m a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: (puzzled) Participate in the what?” – Pilot

” At least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.” – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

Sheldon: What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I’m sure she’ll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t.” – Pilot

” There’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.”– The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

“Penny: (after seeing Leonard and Sheldon pantsed) I’m so sorry. I really thought if you guys went instead of me, he wouldn’t be such an ass. 
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis. 
Sheldon: “Was a valid hypo” – what is happening to you?” – Pilot

“There wouldn’t have been any ass kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.”– The Luminous Fish Effect

“Leonard: Our children will be smart and beautiful! 
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.”– Pilot

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?”– The Luminous Fish Effect

“Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me? I’m a male and she’s a female.
Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.”– Pilot

“Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?”– The Hamburger Postulate

“Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard: I’m Sorry!
Sheldon: You’re gonna have to call her.” – Pilot

“Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.” – The Hamburger Postulate

“I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother.”-The Dumpling Paradox

“Sheldon: So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either is observed, it will not go through both. If it’s unobserved, it will. However, if it’s observed after it left the plane, before it hits it’s target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed! What’s Your Point?
Sheldon: There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a T-shirt!”– Pilot

” Damn you, Walletnook.com.”-The Grasshopper Experiment

“I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don’t have dinosaurs.”-The Grasshopper Experiment

“No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.”– The Dumpling Paradox

“Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really!
Sheldon: If the height of a step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don’t care. 2 millime–? That’s doesn’t seem right.
Sheldon: It’s true. I did a series of experiments when I was 12. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No. That was the result of my work with lasers.” – Pilot

” Forget your suit. Look at my arms flailing. I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin.” – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

“Leonard: I’m gonna invite her (Penny) over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon: Chat? But we don’t chat, at least not off-line.” – Pilot

“Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.” – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

“Sheldon: Penny!
Penny: Yeah?
Sheldon: That’s where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.”- Pilot

“I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although, as I’m saying this, it occurs to me that you may have been employing a rhetorical device, rendering my response moot.”– The Loobenfeld Decay

“Penny: (Upset, about Kurt) 4 years, I lived with him. 4 years, that’s like as long as high school.
Sheldon: It took you 4 years to get through high school?” – Pilot

“Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.” – The Loobenfeld Decay

” We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny’s introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m relatively certain that I have no Corn Husking antibodies.”- The Pancake Batter Anomaly

Sheldon: It has been some time since we had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
Leonard: That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving, my Grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode?
Sheldon: Point taken, it has been some time since we had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t wanna rip our eyes out.”- Pilot

“Obviously you’re not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed.”– The Pancake Batter Anomaly

“While Mr. Kim, by virtue of youth and naiveté, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.”- The Jerusalem Duality

“Engineering: where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Ooompa-Loompas of science.”- The Jerusalem Duality

“Leonard: If you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon? 
Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there? 
Sheldon: You’re kidding, right?”- The Big Bran Hypothesis

“Yes, well, I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you.”– The Bat Jar Conjecture

“Leonard: I guess we’ll just take [a TV cabinet] up [the stairs] ourselves. 
Sheldon: We don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper-body strength. 
Leonard: We don’t need strength. We’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever, and I can move the Earth. (Trying to move the box) It’s just a matter of… I don’t have this. I don’t have this. I don’t have it! 
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.” – The Big Bran Hypothesis

“Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?”- The Bat Jar Conjecture

“Leonard: Most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content. 
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.”- The Big Bran Hypothesis

“At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.”- The Bat Jar Conjecture

“In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located at the intersection of the sets “no longer want my Time Machine” and “need 800 dollars”.”- The Nerdvana Annihilation

“Leonard (trying to get Sheldon to leave Penny’s apartment in the middle of the night): Sheldon, this is not your home! 
Sheldon: This isn’t anyone’s ‘home’. This is a swirling vortex of entropy.”- The Big Bran Hypothesis

“It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.”– The Nerdvana Annihilation

“One more thing. It’s on, bitch.”– The Bat Jar Conjecture

“Leonard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?  
Sheldon (intrigued): You have a sarcasm sign?”– The Big Bran Hypothesis

“I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.”- The Nerdvana Annihilation

“Penny: Yes, I know men can’t fly. 
Sheldon: No, no let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32ft per second, per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Ms. Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three. equal pieces.”- The Big Bran Hypothesis

“If you have time to lean you have time to clean.”- The Big Bran Hypothesis

” Dibs does not apply in a bidding war.”- The Nerdvana Annihilation

“Sheldon: I do feel obligated to point out to you…. that she did not reject you, you did not ask her out
Leonard: You’re right. I didn’t ask her out. I should ask her out.
Sheldon: No! No that was not my point. My point was don’t buy a cat.
Leonard: No, but you’re right, I should march over there and ask her out.
Sheldon: Oh goody! We’re getting a cat.”- The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

” They were not “friends”. They were imaginary colleagues.”– The Shiksa Indeterminacy

Raj: He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?
Sheldon: I’m a rogue knight elf. Don’t you people read character descriptions?”- The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

“Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a “glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.”
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, “with all due respect.”” The Luminous Fish Effect

“Sheldon: Is that sex starting now?
Leonard: I’m having a panic attack.
Sheldon: Oh, Okay, well then … Calm down!” The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jelly fish into other animals; and I thought “Hey! Fish night-lights”.
Leonard: Fish night-lights …
Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea … SHUSH!!!!”- 
The Luminous Fish Effect

“What computer do you have? And please don’t say “a white one.””- The Peanut Reaction

“Mary Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom? 
Sheldon: Well, I was working with luminous fish and I thought… Hey. Loom.” The Luminous Fish Effect

” What twelve year old boy wants a motorized dirt bike?”- The Peanut Reaction

“Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.”- The Luminous Fish Effect

“Sheldon: Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger: the Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something that’s like a Big Boy?”- The Hamburger Postulate

“Sheldon: Oh boy…
Penny: What now?
Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking the multivitamins, but the human body can only absorb so much, so what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Penny: Well, maybe that’s what I was going for.
Sheldon: Well, then you would want some manganese.”– The Luminous Fish Effect

“Sheldon: (At The Cheesecake Factory) Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny: I don’t know, a psychiatrist?”- The Hamburger Postulate

“Sheldon: The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing!”-The Luminous Fish Effect

“Sheldon: You’re a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: Why is that?
Sheldon: You’re talking to one of only three men in the western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.”- The Hamburger Postulate

“Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American educational system. 
Kurt: You’re a zebra, right? 
Sheldon: (aside, to Leonard) Yet another child left behind …”- The Middle-Earth Paradigm

“Chen: Hi, fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon: He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.
Chen: I come from Sacramento.”- The Dumpling Paradox

Leonard:What’s that? 
Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. (a pause as he tries to think of what to do next, then he says awkwardly) ‘There, there’. (another pause) You wanna talk about it? 
Leonard: No. 
Sheldon: Good! ‘There there’ was really all I had.”– The Middle-Earth Paradigm

“Christy: Mm! There’s my little engine that could.
*Howard makes train noise*
Sheldon: There’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.” The Dumpling Paradox

“Leonard: Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra?
Sheldon: Why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves?
Leonard: Because I’m Frodo.
Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler effect.”- The Middle-Earth Paradigm

“Leonard: You have a TV in your room, why don’t you have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day.”- The Dumpling Paradox

“Penny: So, how was paint ball? Did you have fun?
Sheldon: If you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear a space on your calendar. There will be an inquiry.”- The Middle-Earth Paradigm

“Penny: Anything else?
Sheldon: Yes, if you use my toothbrush, I will jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night.”- The Dumpling Paradox

“Sheldon: Sorry, I’m late!
Leonard: What happened?
Sheldon: Nothing! I just didn’t wanna come.”- The Grasshopper Experiment

“The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one.”- The Dumpling Paradox

“Leonard: Do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America Membership card? 
Sheldon: It’s been in every wallet I owned since I was five. 
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. It’s right here under Batman’s signature.”- The Grasshopper Experiment

“Leonard: Okay, I’m going ask you one more time, we did the work together, let’s present the paper together.
Sheldon: And I’m telling you for the last time, it’s pandering, it’s undignified, and bite me.”- The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

“Sheldon: I’ll have a diet Coke.
Penny: Can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine… I’ll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That’s… rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes, and would you make it diet?”– The Grasshopper Experiment

“Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your brain.
Sheldon: Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm.”- The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

“Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge in it.
Penny: Then swim to cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.”- The Grasshopper Experiment

“Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no, that’s true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.”– The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

“Sheldon: (Knocking on Penny’s door early in the morning). Penny, Penny, Penny!
(Penny opens the door).
Sheldon: Good morning.
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do, my watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one-tenth of a second, but as I’m saying this it occurs to me once again your question may have been rhetorical.”- The Loobenfeld Decay

“Sheldon: What kind of sick?
Penny: Oh, the flu, I guess.
Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know. Now, when did the symptoms first appear?
Penny: Maybe Friday!
Sheldon: Friday! Was that morning or afternoon?
Penny: I don’t–
Sheldon: Think, woman! Who blew their nose and when?”- The Pancake Batter Anomaly

Leonard: How long is [Toby/Leo] going to stay here?
Sheldon: He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard. Where’s he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.”- The Loobenfeld Decay

“Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for.”- The Pancake Batter Anomaly

“Penny sing “Out Tonight”!
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Sheldon: I don’t know, but if cats could sing … they’d hate it too.”- The Loobenfeld Decay

“*Playing 3D chess* 
Sheldon: Checkmate. 
Leonard: Oh, again? 
Sheldon: Obviously, you’re not suited for three dimensional chess. Perhaps three dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board! 
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.”- The Pancake Batter Anomaly

“Howard: Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have masters in engineering.
Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says “I love you, Bubula” but neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nano-tubes.”- The Jerusalem Duality

“Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur! Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, Pur, Pur, Pur!”- The Pancake Batter Anomaly

“Sheldon: Today, I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, to… You know, that other guy. 
Howard: Antonio Salieri? 
Sheldon: Oh God, now even you are smarter than me”- The Jerusalem Duality

“Sheldon: What rat have you recruited to the SS sinking ship? 
Leslie: Hello Sheldon. 
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. 
Leslie: Yeah Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl? 
Sheldon: Yes well I am polymerised tree saps and you are an inorganic adhesive so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.  
Leslie: Oh, ouch.”– The Bat Jar Conjecture

“Penny: What the hell’s going on?
Sheldon: You hypocrite!
Penny: What?!
Sheldon: Little Miss Grown-Ups-Don’t-Play-With-Toys! If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!”- The Nerdvana Annihilation

“Howard: Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.”- The Bat Jar Conjecture

“Sheldon: Are you upset about something? 
Leonard: What was your first clue? 
Sheldon: Well there was a number of things. First the late hour, then you demeanors seems very low energy plus your irritability… 
Leonard: Yes I’m upset! 
Sheldon: Oh… I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. 
Leonard: Yeah good for you. 
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? 
Leonard: I don’t know… maybe. 
Sheldon: Wow! I’m on fire tonight.”– The Nerdvana Annihilation

“Sheldon: I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
Missy: And what do you mean “Mediocre stock”?!
Sheldon: That would be you.”- The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

“Leonard: Come on, guys, push!
Sheldon: If I push any harder I’m gonna give birth to my colon.”- The Nerdvana Annihilation

“Why does everyone suddenly wanna talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.”- The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

“Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on whole wheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and Roast beef with swiss and lettuce on whole wheat.
*The guys look at Sheldon*
Sheldon: It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.”- The Nerdvana Annihilation

” Eat this slice of cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.”-  The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

” 1234 is not a secure password.”- The Peanut Reaction

“Sheldon: Howard, I’m gonna need another mandarin lesson, I obviously didn’t make my point with those people.
Howard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I’m just not getting tangerine chicken.”– The Tangerine Factor

“Store Clerk: You don’t work here. 
Sheldon: Well aparently no one does.”– The Peanut Reaction

“The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense. Let’s say that I go out and I spend 50 dollars on you. It’s a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need whereas you know what you need. Now I could simplify things, just give you the 50 dollars directly and then you could give me 50 dollars on my birthday and so on; until one of us dies leaving the other one old and 50 dollar richer and I ask you is, it worth it?”- The Peanut Reaction

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