Season 2

“I’ve got more nervous ticks than a Lyme Disease research facility.”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

“Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

“I drank milk that tasted funny.”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

 And you thought the opposite of stupid loser was a Community College Graduate?”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

“When I try to deceive I have more nervous ticks than a lime disease research facility.(Penny stares at Sheldon). It’s a joke, it relies on a homonymic relationship between the tick the blood sucking arachnid, and tick the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

“Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock.”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

“They were very smart! They used my complete lack of interest in what you are doing.”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

” Forget? You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a thing since the day my mother stopped breast-feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.”-The Bad Fish Paradigm

“Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word “plenty” has been redefined to mean “two.” “-The Codpiece Topology

“If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato — or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.”-The Codpiece Topology

“Oh Mario … if only I could control everyone the way I control you … HOP! YOU LITTLE PLUMBER! HOP! HOP! HOP!”-The Codpiece Topology

Bring out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school!”-The Codpiece Topology

“I’m surprised you struck out with Penny, apparently she’s a big ‘ol five.”-The Barbarian Sublimation

“Level 3 and she think she’s rich. What a noob!”-The Barbarian Sublimation

“Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Atzel’s fortress. Now, this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. All right, Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.”-The Barbarian Sublimation

“Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.”-The Barbarian Sublimation

“I can’t wear different pajamas. These are my Monday pajamas.”-The Barbarian Sublimation

“These Hungarians — they’re just using you for dragon fodder.”-The Barbarian Sublimation

“Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She’s interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work… and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.”-The Barbarian Sublimation

” I’m not insane, my mother had me tested!”-The Griffin Equivalency

“In Papa New Guinea, there’s a tribe when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course, but one can see their point.”-The Griffin Equivalency

“I wanted a griffin… I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Of course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.”-The Griffin Equivalency

“Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it’d be more hygenic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.”-The Griffin Equivalency

“A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.”-The Griffin Equivalency

“For the record, it could kill us to meet new people”-The Griffin Equivalency

“I’m clearly too evolved for driving.”-The Euclid Alternative

“We’re gonna have to stop at Pottery Barn on our way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.”-The Euclid Alternative

“Just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.”-The Euclid Alternative

“Is there a check-the-check-engine-light light?”-The Euclid Alternative

“Maybe if I turn off the nightlight, I can keep the sheets.”-The Euclid Alternative

“Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.”-The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem

“Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was fourteen. And I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.”-The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem

“Apparently I’m in some kind of relationship and you seem to be an expert at ending them…. I see man after man leaving this apartment, never to return.”-The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem

“When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, “Mwah, ha, ha.” “-The Panty Pinata Polarization

” I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust by sending me internet banality. Strike one. Touching my food. Strike two.”-The Panty Pinata Polarization

“Hello, puny insects, as a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, everyone is awarded one additional strike.”-The Panty Pinata Polarization

“I am meeting you halfway. I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things.”-The Panty Pinata Polarization

“I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with.”-The Panty Pinata Polarization

” I’m sorry but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV Series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.”-The Lizard-Spock Expansion

“I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.”-The Lizard-Spock Expansion

“Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.”-The Lizard-Spock Expansion

” If I’m permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win!”-The White Asparagus Triangulation

“Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.”-The White Asparagus Triangulation

“Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.”-The White Asparagus Triangulation

“Radiation burns — a little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner…. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: “not a snowball’s chance in a CAT scanner.” “-The White Asparagus Triangulation

“When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the Civil War have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future.”-The White Asparagus Triangulation

“I need to know exactly what Leonard did to get you to put an emotional cap in his buttocks.Again, urban slang, in which I’m beginning to get remarkable fluency”-The White Asparagus Triangulation

“She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the Internet.”-The White Asparagus Triangulation

“My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on.”-The Vartabedian Conundrum

“It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.”-The Vartabedian Conundrum

“Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?”-The Vartabedian Conundrum

“Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!”-The Vartabedian Conundrum

“All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!”-The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

“You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. Ah, it’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Oh, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life…“-The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

“Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.”-The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.”-The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

” Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot? “-The Killer Robot Instability

“This is an auspicious moment, like Robert Oppenhiemer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event. “-The Killer Robot Instability

This is trash talk. Trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.”-The Killer Robot Instability

“We don’t need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn… do either of you know how to open the toolbox?”-The Killer Robot Instability

“A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.”-The Friendship Algorithm

“What part of an inverse tangent approaching an asymptote don’t you understand?”-The Friendship Algorithm

” “Barney bunny has two daddies now” Probably something about homosexual rabbits.”-The Friendship Algorithm

“Gerry the Gerbil and the bully boys on the bus- read it, not helpful.”-The Friendship Algorithm

“You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.”-The Friendship Algorithm

“Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I’m going to have to let one of you go.”-The Friendship Algorithm

“Howard. You do not have a PhD. Your cologne is an assault on the senses, and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays”-The Friendship Algorithm

” There once was a brave lad named Leonard 
With a fi fi fiddle dee dee 
He faced a fearsome giant 
While Raj just wanted to pee”-The Financial Permeability

” Won’t it also be ‘weird’ if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rainwater?”-The Financial Permeability

“They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.”-The Financial Permeability

“I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.”-The Financial Permeability

“You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.”-The Financial Permeability

” That’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.”-The Maternal Capacitance

“Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful — and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your brussels sprouts.”-The Maternal Capacitance

“You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.”-The Maternal Capacitance

“Excuse me, but the problem is NOT solved. If your HEAD had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be problem solved?”-The Cushion Saturation

“That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000.”-The Cushion Saturation

“Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin — now how about we try a bouffant?” “-The Cushion Saturation

“She calls me moon-pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could eat me up!”-The Terminator Decoupling

” Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.”-The Terminator Decoupling

“I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the Non-Equilibrium Green’s Function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.”-The Terminator Decoupling

“On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.”-The Terminator Decoupling

” Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.”-The Work Song Nanocluster

” I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.”-The Work Song Nanocluster

“Everything is better with Bluetooth.”-The Work Song Nanocluster

“Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation — my brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.”-The Work Song Nanocluster

” Do cocaine smugglers write ‘cocaine’ on the box?”-The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition

” Listen to that! ‘Stomp, stomp, stomp.’ It’s Wolowitz and his stacked heels that fool no one.”-The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition

” Who is it? Hello, Penny. It’s open, come in….. Sarcasm.”-The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition

“Chinese Food, Vintage video games. After the nightmare of Anything Can Happen Thursday, this is Friday night the way it was meant to be.”-The Hofstadter Isotope

“You’re probably thinking, “the comic book store, on a Thursday? Why I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness.” What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is “Anything Can Happen Thursday” “-The Hofstadter Isotope

“More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to degradation.”-The Hofstadter Isotope

“Stuart is taller, artistic, self employed, and most importantly, gets 45% off comic books.”-The Hofstadter Isotope

“What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits?’ Does he provide her with health insurance?”-The Vegas Renormalization

“You know, I’m given to understand that there’s an entire city in Nevada devoted specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.”-The Vegas Renormalization

“You know I’m in such a good mood I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.”-The Vegas Renormalization

“There was a tall man from Cornwall
Whose length exceeded his bed.
“My body fits on it
But barely upon it
There’s no room for my big Cornish head!” “-The Vegas Renormalization

“YOU’RE THE MILK THIEF! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.”-The Vegas Renormalization

“That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer. A perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97-pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is paneer, a farmer’s cheese that cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.”-The Vegas Renormalization

“That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered. I just don’t see it.”-The Vegas Renormalization

” For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.”-The Classified Materials Turbulence

” Yeah, I have to say I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition. Apparently there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.”-The Classified Materials Turbulence

“Well I have and it will knock your socks off. Good luck getting them back on.”-The Classified Materials Turbulence

“You have to check your messages, Leonard! Leaving a message is one-half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.”-The Classified Materials Turbulence

“OK, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me, but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.”-The Monopolar Expedition

“Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at 8:00 and move my bowels at 8:20.”-The Monopolar Expedition


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